Saturday, June 9, 2007

Poison Ivy and Orpheus wanted to have a ‘joint’ bachelor/bachelorette party but Optimus Prime, Megatron, Chromia and I nixed that idea.  Who has a joint ‘last night of freedom’ party?!

The guys all went to Orpheus’ house while Chromia and I hosted a bachelorette party at my home.  Poison Ivy’s mom, aunt, sister and people I’ve never met flooded my backyard.  We played your typical random bachelorette party games and eventually half the girls ended up in the hot tub topless and drunk off Sangria.  Some how the other ladies started a rousing game of bocce ball in their bras and panties while Poison Ivy’s mom (Minderia) and I laughed at everyone as we munched cheese and crackers.

Poison Ivy was by far the most entertaining of the party go-ers as she stripped naked and ran through the yard yelling, “I’m getting married!”  This was very out of character for the woman who never wore cleavage shirts or short skirts.  Seeing her pasty ass streak through my backyard was quite the comical event.

Just as she was attempting a naked cartwheel, a swarm of boxer clad men burst around both sides of the house, screaming and swinging sticks like barbarians.  The bocce ball women screamed and ran into the back garage while the topless tubers sank deep into the water so only their heads were exposed.  Poison Ivy yelled from the 2^nd floor, “State your purpose!”

Minderia and I laughed, still chowing our appetizers a safe distance from the drama.  I looked at the hot tubers only 5 feet to my left and giggled even harder.  They were trying to reach for their drinks on the edge of the tub without exposing anything but their hand and heads and were all failing miserably.

“Ug, we come find women!” Orpheus grunted looking at the dark garage.

“We won’t come without a fight!” Chromia’s head popped out of the same window Poison Ivy had shouted from.

“Then we come get women!” Megatron countered and threw his stick Braveheart style, unleashing the masses the second it hit the ground.  Half of the men ran into the garage after the bra and panty ladies and the other half plowed towards Minderia, the topless tubers and ME!

“I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant!” I screeched over the chaos only to be drown out by squeals, giggles and playful threats.

“Women!” Nightcrawler hoped over the railing and into the middle of the hot tub.

“Stoney?”  I heard Optimus run up calmly next to me.  “Women?”

I laughed, “You have one.”

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed my forehead.  “Mr. Freeze wanted to invade your party.  Of course we had to be in our boxers since the ladies are in their, um…”

“Underwear,” I finished and shoved a cracker in his mouth.

“Un-er-e-r,” he spat.

I brushed crumbs off my face, “That was totes hot.”

A few minutes later, most of the girls who were in the second garage were carried across the lawn, the other girls ran out ahead of them darting for their piles of clothes by my feet.

“Oh hell, time to move,” I stood and Optimus scooted my chair away from the impending dog pile.

Mr. Freeze and Omega Supreme had managed to squeeze into the hot tub and the girls in there had already calmed down and casually let a nip slip. 

After getting at least partially dressed, a co-ed game of bocce ball began and at the table right in front of me, poker.

So basically it turned into a regular party but with less clothes… and potentially more orgasms… but I chose not to keep track of where everyone went and who they went with.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

I’ve always had what most people classify as ‘bodacious tatas’ but lately my rack is out of freaking control.  I could bounce a coke bottle off these puppies, Pam Anderson has some major competition.

Optimus Prime has taken to playing the ‘drums’ “for the babies”.  I lay on my back and he gently taps rythmatic beats on my mommy bags, making up songs as he goes.  “Hey, I’m your daddy, the one who will cut your cords.  Hey, your mommy is the one you beat up all day.  Hey, thanks for coming soon.  Hey, don’t pee or poop or puke on me.  Hey…”

I laugh as the bebees break dance to the ‘phat beats’ and Optimus almost always gets up to “bust” his own “wicked moves”.  After a few minutes, he collapses in a ball next to me, grabs my hand as we catch our breath from laughing, and twirls my rings around my finger, smiling.

“The future Mrs. Prime,” he pulls the glittering gems from my finger and tries to force it around my nipple before giving up and sliding it back to its’ proper home.

The same thing, every night.  And I love it.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I called Poison Ivy and Chromia Monday morning gushing over my ring, the proposal and their sly involvement in the whole ordeal.  “He’s had it planned for months!” Chromia revealed that afternoon as we sat on the deck waiting for the hot tub to get to the perfect temperature.

“It was hard not to tell you!” Poison Ivy added, sipping her Scarlet O’Hara.

“Well you did an amazing job of acting clueless,” I laughed dipping my index finger in the water.

Chromia looked at the thermometer and nodded, “Clueless can be a specialty.”  She pulled her clothes off and wrapped a towel around her swimsuit covered body.

Poison Ivy giggled as she refilled her glass, “He was too cute though.  The last few months changing his mind how he wanted to do it.  At one time he wanted to do it at the bowling alley.”

“Well I’m glad that wasn’t the winning idea,” I carefully climbed on the edge of the hot tub and dipped my legs in as the girls grabbed our drinks and followed me in.

“So have you set a date?”  Chromia asked as she hit the bubble button and a jet shot her in the face.

Poison Ivy and I laughed and I finally replied, “A date already?  I’m still trying to get my head around all of this.  And number one, I don’t want to be knocked up and sweating in my muumuu wedding dress in the house of the lord.  I’d probably be ready for a nap just from the short trip up the aisle.”

“The lack of perfect wedding doesn’t appeal to you?” Poison Ivy asked.

I shook my head.  “no but we honestly haven’t talked about when yet.  It seems like this has all gone so fast, I’m still caught in the perfection you know?”

“I can’t even get Megatron to make plans for the weekend.  I don’t know what I’ll do if we ever do get engaged,” Chromia brushed water off her face.

“Ok, so more importantly, we have a bachelorette party coming up!  Did you get the phone numbers of the other chicks you want to come?”  I looked at Poison Ivy.

“In my purse!” she grinned.

We spent the next couple of hours talking about the party and the wedding, all the while I was glowing, so excited that I officially knew someday I’d be making the same plans.  Though I think I want sombrero wearing midgets at the reception… carrying chips and salsa on their head.  Yes, definitely need to add that to the list.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Ever since Optimus Prime suggested we go out, I’ve been practically floating around like a cross between Tinkerbelle and Shrek. Yesterday I went shopping for the perfect slutty pregs dress. It really sucks when you have an exact image of what you are looking for but never exists in anything but Barbie clothes.

And why does that bitch need so many clothes anyway? You want her to change for a date with Ken and it takes 3 hours just to find matching shoes. By then you’ve bored yourself with the task and cut out the middle step, put her and Ken in the plastic bed and let them ‘do their thing’ while you play Cops and Robbers with your friends.

I was looking for a long, low cut, curve hugging black dress but whether those existed in size 400 was the real mystery. Lucky for me, the ‘thinly challenged’ chicks love to dress skanky so I was in. Thank you obesity epidemic!

Optimus promised he would leave me alone while I tried to get ready so he went to Orpheus’ when Poison Ivy, Chromia and I got back from shopping. We messed with my hair and at 6:24, just 5 minutes after the girls left, my doorbell rang.

I had expected Optimus to be dressed up but the suit that he donned blew me away. “Madam,” he bowed.

I laughed but when he stood upright, his face had fallen and he looked a little hurt. “Oh, I’m sorry, Sir,” I curtseyed.

He extended his arm and I took it, locking the door behind me. We usually take my car when we go places together because his sucks on gas mileage. He walked me to the passenger side and paused. “At risk of ruining the moment, aside from you laughing at me, can I have the keys?”

We both chuckled as I dug in my purse. Eventually I had to release his arm and plop my bag on the hood of the car before I found what we were looking for. “Aha! Victory!” I screeched producing the overfull key ring.

After we got in the car I brought up the fact that he has a spare key for my vehicle on his keychain. I guess when Optimus get fancied up he develops Alzheimer’s.

He opened my door when we arrived at the restaurant and as we walked hand in hand to the front of the building, he said, “No talk of babies tonight, it’s just you and me.”

“We’ll see how that goes,” I smiled looking at my enormous and very obvious stomach.

Even though the babies were not supposed to be on the brain, Optimus ordered a non-alcoholic beverage with me. We toasted to ‘us’ and poured over the menu, each having to play ‘Eny, meny, miny, moe’ to decide on a meal.

We didn’t talk about work or the house. The cars or the yard. We laughed and joke and Optimus even pulled me out to the dance floor before our food arrived. “Oh that was gross,” I giggled after he told a joke. “Ok, here’s one. Did you know diarrhea is genetic?”

Optimus began to chuckle and shook his head as he spun me in a circle. “Yeah, it runs in your jeans,” I finished and he groaned.

“What happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?” he asked. I looked at him quizzically and he answered, “You get repossessed.

We continued to tell corny jokes between dinner and other random conversation, pausing only once to answer a woman’s questions about my belly. When we left, our faces hurt from laughing. “How about a bath?” Optimus asked on the drive home.

“We didn’t get a house with a Jacuzzi for no reason,” I smiled and he reached for my hand.

When we got home, Optimus opened the car door for me and led me up the sidewalk. As soon as we were in the entry way, something seemed out of place. “Is someone here?” I asked noticing light coming from the bathroom.

“No way Stoney, it’s just us.” He kissed me hard and we walked toward the seemingly glowing room.

I looked at him unsure but followed. It soon became apparent what was emitting the light. The entire bathroom was littered with hundreds of rose petals, the counters and walls lined with candles in all sizes and sitting next to the full tub was a bottle of sparkling cider and 2 champagne glasses.

I stared wide-eyed, taking the room in as Optimus slid my purse off my shoulder. “What if I had of said I didn’t want to take a bath?” I grinned.

“I would have had to contact my partner in crime and have them quickly change things up!” he stepped out of his shoes.

“Orpheus?”

“No way, Poison Ivy and Chromia. I gave them my keys when they left right before I picked you up.”

I laughed and hugged him tight. “You are amazing.”

“Well, you know…” he joked. “Shall we?”

“I’m afraid to step on the petals!” I giggled as I slid my dress off.

We climbed into the steaming water and I looked a bit puzzled again. “I called right before we left the restaurant,” he grinned pouring our lovely alcohol free cider as I carefully adjusted in the water. Not talking about babies is one thing, but being completely unaware of them is quite another and I struggled to get comfortable under their weight.

Optimus handed me a glass and climbed in facing me. “To Jacuzzi’s!” he smiled and we clinked, each taking a sip.

“To super awesome boyfriends,” I grinned and we clinked and drank again.

“To gorgeous baby mama’s,” clink, drink.

“To sexy baby daddy’s,” clink, drink.

“Are you trying to give me a sugar high?” I joked and took another drink as Optimus stopped thinking of reasons to toast and just clanked my glass repeatedly. “Fine, fine, fine,” I giggled and quickly drank the rest of the sparkling liquid.

“Oh, wait no…”

“Why?” I interrupted and spit the last gulp into the water.

“That didn’t work,” he mumbled under his breath, obviously to himself.

“What?” 

Optimus set his still half full glass on the edge of the tub and took mine from me, placing it carefully on the floor next to us. He grabbed my hand, “Stoney, I’ve been a pain in your ass but I love you and want to be a pain in your ass always.”

“I thought that was the plan,” I joked.

“No, but… well yeah. But see, I love you…” he trailed off and started looking around the room.

I was puzzled. Normal Optimus is never lost for words. “Are you pregnant?”

He laughed and reached for his champagne glass. “Stoney…” he poured the sparkling cider into his hands as I look on confused. “I just… oh shit,” he fumbled and began to dig in the bubbly water.

“This seems like an odd way to cop a feel,” I arched my eyebrow and took his now empty glass from him. “Enough cider for you, you wildcat.”

“Damnit,” he stopped digging and grabbed my hands again. 

I stared at him for a long time, unsure what his sudden freak out was about. “Are you thinking about the bill at the restaurant too?” I joked. “Can you imagine what it would have been if we had got alcohol?!”

Again, he laughed. “You are pretty great you know?”

“Why thank you, you’re pretty great yourself.”

“I messed this all up, but, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter,” he paused.

“Beefy, what ar…”

“Stoney will you marry me?” he spat.

My mouth fell and I swore I was floating. “This is a dream right? Slap me, make sure this is real.”

Optimus stared at me, “I don’t want to.”

I grinned at his childlike response but again insisted he slap me. “This is a dream. I thought you were content as we are. Slap me.”

“No I will not slap you. I am content as we are, but I know how much more content we will both be…”

“This is a joke!” I laughed interrupting him. “Oh, payback for my not April Fool’s Day prank. Oh man, this is a good one. Way further then I would have gone though I would have at least got a cracker jack ring. Seriously, wow! I give up, you are the prank master,” I slapped my hands to my face, covering my amusement.

“No joke!” he dug in the water again. “I have a ring, a real ring. I gave you the wrong glass, it was in mine, oh, I’m such a dumbass. Then I dropped it in the water. Stoney, I swear on Rogue and Neo this is real. Ah!” he exclaimed triumphantly pulling something from the water.

“Real?” I whispered, eyes welling with tears.

He grabbed my hands again, holding the ring in front of him. “Proposal, take two,” he chuckled. “Stoney, you are about to be the mother of my children and no matter what it is that brought us together, I can honestly say I love you and would want to spend forever with you either way. I want to give you your ‘happily ever after’ Will you marry me?”

“Oh my God yes!” I screamed, flinging my arms around his neck, tears pounding down my face.

“Yes?!”

“Of course yes!!”

“Crap, I dropped the ring again,” he laughed.

I carefully got out of the tub and pulled him with me. “Forget it for now, just don’t pull the plug,” I grinned and led him to the bedroom.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Yesterday Optimus Prime and I sat in the hot tub reading (him fully submerged, me resting comfortably on the edge, legs dipped in up to my knees.)  Optimus kept grunting like Tim Allen, talking about the engines he saw in his Hot Rod magazine as I updated him on the latest celebrity gossip courtesy of US Weekly.

“Hey Stoney,” he tossed his reading material over the edge and walked through the water to me.

I looked up from Paris Hilton’s latest dumbass move and smiled, “Yes?”

“I’ve got a great idea,” he rested his arms on my thighs.  “Let me take you out to a nice dinner before the bebees come.”

I giggled, “You got that from a car magazine?”

He shook his head grinning, “What do you say?  Saturday night.  7pm.  Or ealier if you want.  I know you haven’t been able to participate in 4am nights lately.”

“So you won’t keep me out past my bedtime?”  I laughed.

“Whatever you want.”

“Well 7 sounds fine.  I’m not that bad.

“Great!  Go out and buy a dress.  I’ll pick you up Saturday at 7.”

I laughed again, “What brought this on?”

“What?  I can’t take the mother of my children, the love of my life out for no reason?”

“Oh wow, that’s thick.  I’m suffocating under the weight,” I mimed being trapped in a box.  “Can’t… punch… through… to… real… reason…”

Optimus chuckled and rolled his eyes, “Just accept it.”

“Well thank you,” I hugged his wet chest.  “I know someone who deserves some ice cream and sex right now… and not in that order.”

He smiled and climbed out, helping me after him.  “Wait, we can’t have ice cream first?” he joked and ran ahead of me laughing.  “You can’t catch me when you’re knocked up!”

“Wait til these babes aren’t in here.  You are in for an ass whooping,” I grinned.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time!” he laughed and ran as I approached him.  Poor thing wasn’t watching where he was going and smacked into the sliding glass door. 

 I tried not to laugh but couldn’t help it.  I leaned over him and grinned, “Apparently I don’t need to beat you up, you do that all by yourself.”

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Optimus Prime and I fell naturally into our overnight romance.  A month after moving to Kentucky (which was only a few months after meeting) we had a romantic dinner to celebrate our new life. 

We both dressed up (me being able to totes hoe it up since I wasn’t showing much) and went to a fancy restaurant.  Our booth was in the back corner, secluded from other diners and we laughed and ate and talked for hours, learning more and more about each other.

I must say we were both relieved at how much we continually had in common.  It would make our future a lot more tolerable.  We both had the same goals and aspirations.  Many we had never realized due to how fast our relationship moved.  After I found out I was pregs, the ‘Who The Hell Are You?’ chatter stopped and it turned into ‘What The Hell Are We Going To Do?’  So it was nice to go out and just be.

When we got home that night, I was in the bathroom pulling bobby pins out of my curly tresses and Optimus came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder.  “I have no doubts or regrets,” he said.  It was so simple and random but meant everything.

I smiled and spun around, draping my arms around his neck, “Me either.”

He kissed my nose, “Do you believe in time limits?  Like, how things are suppose to go?”

I giggled and glanced at my belly, “Obviously not.  I think the timing depends on the individuals.”

“Yeah me too.”  He stared into my eyes and I fell into him even more, this so recent stranger.  It had felt that a lifetime had passed since our first meeting and all I could see was my soul mate.

And we kissed, that toe tingling kind that I had become so accustomed to over the months.  The one that always left me speechless, but unable to shut up in an attempt to drown out the pounding of my heart.

He grabbed my hand and led me to the bedroom where he slowly removed my dress, our eyes never leaving the others’.  And it was then, before our bodies became entwined that he whispered the words that have never stopped echoing in my heart.  “I love you Strika.”

I remember tears welling up in my eyes as he stared at me with more compassion than I could ever expect.  And slowly, as he leaned in to kiss me again, I whispered only inches from his mouth, the words that forever remind me that I am finally whole.  “I love you, too.”

Saturday, May 19, 2007

I started packing my hospital bag today like a mad woman.  I guess now that Optimus Prime and I have been going to Lamaze, the arrival of the midgets seems right around the vaginal tearing corner.  We saw a video in class the other day that was gooey and painful and absolutely beautiful… we to me at least.  Optimus threw up in his mouth a little and has spent every moment we’ve shared together since trying to convince me he is not needed in the delivery room.

You are absolutely not trying to weasel out of this.  I refuel to believe you would really say something so ridiculous to me knowing full well that I have the power to ruin your life well after I kill you.”  I sat on the couch reading the same line in my Dr. Phil book.  Sad I know, but like I’ve said, he becomes a genius once you’re impregnated.

“But Strika,” Optimus practically whined.  “One of us needs to be coherent after the bebees are born and if you make me watch that in real life,” he shuddered.  “I’ll be in bed next to you.”

“You bet you’ll be in bed next to me.  Holding my hand as someone hot waxes your legs.  It’s the least you can do while I’m squeezing a couple watermelons out of something the size of a lemon.”

He stared at me, anguish written all over his cute, perspiring face.  “Hot wax?” he finally whispered.

I glanced back at him and then to my book again.  “You’re going to have to find a way to be in there with me.  You don’t have to be by my giney and watching the birth of our children but you damn well better be at least standing next to me, holding my hand while I curse you for what you’ve done to me.  End scene.”

“What is we use walkie-talkies?  That way everyone in the waiting room can be up to date while you cuse at me over the airwaves?”  He watched me intently and I tried to read the same line yet again as I attempted to ward off the pregnancy bitch that was growing.

“Can you like, go play with your car or your boat or your penis?  I kind like you and would hate to have to rip out your trachea.”

Optimus’ eye got huge.  “You don’t want to help me play with my penis?”  He sounded like a child who had been told he could never have cookies again.

“Not right now Optimus,” I sighed, eyes not leaving the book.

He stood up quickly, tripping over the laptop cord, jerking it forcefully from the machine, “You’ve changed Strika!”

A fire has been lit and I turned toward him, eyes glaring.  “Excuse me?” I slowly but angrily replied.

Optimus didn’t answer, only stood, brown eyes turning black as he glared at me.  “I’ve changed?  Oh I’ve changed.  Of course I’ve changed!  I’ve gained 900 pounds, my breasts and back are constantly sore, my ankles are swollen or so it appears in the mirror because when I look down I can’t see them!  I don’t know what to do about this raging beast inside me, I cut myself every time I try to shave, I’ve got so many stretch marks it looks like I was attacked by a wolverine, I sweat for no reason, crave strange concoctions that homeless dogs wouldn’t eat, cry randomly then burst out laughing all the while trying to maintain some form of dignity, for you, my better half.”  I clumsily stood, tossing my book on the couch.  “And heaven forbid if one fucking time you want to have sex, I feel too fat, repulsive and emotionally drained to partake!”

Hey eyes had transformed more compassion and understanding.  “Look, ok.  I didn’t mean…”

“I just need to be alone right now,” I interrupted him, grabbing my book and walking into the bathroom.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“That’s fine, just give me a minute.  Can’ you do that?”  I shut the door behind me and drew a bath.

There was a knock.  “Optimus, seriously, just leave me alone for a little while.”

“I don’t think you are fat or repulsive!  I think you are beautiful!” he called over the loud water.

“Thank you,” I calmly replied, stripping off my clothes.

“I’m sorry you feel that way!  You know I love you!”  I could tell by his muffled voice that he has his face plastered against the door.

I climbed into the tub, rolling my eyes for no other reason then he was annoying me, “I love you too, now leave me the hell alone.”  I paused and after a couple minutes he mumbled an ‘ok’ and walked away.

I settled into the warm water and opened my book giggling quietly.  If I didn’t love him so much, I’d want to kill him.

Monday May, 14, 2007

I’ve recently reached the nesting phase of pregnancy.  Optimus Prime came home from work today to a completely torn apart house.  All the contents of the kitchen were strewn about the living room along with the entirety of both upstairs bathrooms.  I stood barefoot on the ladder, scrubbing the top of the fridge when I heard the front door close.  “Hi Beefy!” I shouted.

He yelled a hello back and walked around the corner.  I paused to look down at him and when he saw me, he panicked.  “What are you doing?  What if you fall?!” 

He attempted to run over to me but obviously hadn’t paid attention to the fact that the floor was covered in a thin layer of chemicals and he slipped, collapsing in to a ball on the floor.

I couldn’t help but laugh even though I felt really bad, “I was soaking it, it’s disgusting!” I carefully climbed off the ladder and waddled safely over to him.

“No, no no.  Cleaning is fine but standing on ladders and leaving liquid around like this is unacceptable.  You and the bebees could get hurt,” he stood and held my belly, looking in to my eyes.

I sighed, “This place looks like a bunch of drunken frat boys and a diahretic bulldog love here.  Rogue and Neo will not be subject to it.”

Optimus glances around the kitchen and then into the living room.  “Just no ladders ok?”

I nodded.  I know he thought the house was fine and normally I would have too but as we know, pregnancy makes people crazy.  He rubbed his back and headed to the bedroom to change as I got on my hands and knees and began to teach my filthy floor a lesson.  It was no match for Mr. Clean, a brillo pad and an insane knocked up woman.

“Strika!  Where are my clothes?!”

“Shit,” I whispered and turned around to see a naked Optimus run in, penis slapping his inner thigh.  “Um,” I stood up.  “I decided they needed to go.  Especially that holey underwear.  They went in the trash and the items that were in decent shape went to Goodwill.”

“Wha…?  You got rid of my clothes?!  What am I suppose to wear?!”  he boiled.

“You know, I don’t like your attitude.  I’m working my add off to make this house a home and to ensure it’s a safe and happy place and you’re standing there at half mast screaming at me!”  I shot back.

“But my clothes!”

“That’s it, get out of my house!”  I began to push him towards the back door.

“I just, I just don’t know why you got rid of all my clothes,” he tried to calm down.

“Get out, get out get out!” I pushed him through the open door and slid it shut, locking him out.

“Um, Strika,” he knocked on the glass as I turned to walk away.  “Being naked out here is no fun without you…”

I slapped my butt in a ‘kiss it’ manner and went back to the kitchen.  I could hear Optimus yelling apologies and I peaked my head around the corner, giggling when I saw him making mushroom stamps on the sliding door.

After a couplke of minutes, and 50 cock marks on my glass (that I will have to clean!) I wandered back to him smiling.  I opened the door and pulled his head to my chest.  We ended up having sex in the only clutter free 4 by 5 area in my living room.

Once finished, Optimus groaned, “Stoney, seriously.  What am I supposed to wear?”

“We’ll figure it out later.  Right now can you do me a favor and get the toilet paper out of the spare bedroom?”

“In the spare bedroom?”

“Yeah, I ran out of room for junk in here,” I answered and walked back to the kitchen.

Optimus shook his head but agreed.  I crawled across the floor, retrieving my cleaning products when I heard him yell, “What the?!”

I began laughing as my man meat walked out toting a small portion of his wardrobe, “Happy not April Fool’s Day!” I screeched.

“Oh, you got me good,” he dropped the clothes in the hall and went to retrieve more,  “Why?” he asked when he came back.

“I was reorganizing the closet and thought it’d be a fun way to get back at you for the shitty  broken toe stunt you pulled,” I giggled.

“See, this is why we just work,” he grinned and threw his holiest pair of boxer briefs at me.

Friday, May 11, 2007

When one is carrying an alien in their uterus, almost immediately their world revolves around Dr. Phil and Oprah.  Maybe it’s the need for your children to have all the best things in life and not screw then up so bad that they end up on Cops but I sure succumbed to the fad.

A good 2 hour chunk of my afternoon has been dedicated to eating ice cream and Pringles, camping out on the couch in front of the TV, holding my belly and crying over the fact that my children will grow up and blame me for everything that went wrong in their life.  I ramble incoherent things like, “Why are you torturing me?  I did my best, I did my best!”

Optimus Prime came home yesterday while I was curled in the fetal position on the floor as Dr. Phil was reaming this mother on national TV for screwing up her 16 year old daughter’s life.

“Stoney, are you ok?” he quickly ran to my side, crouching over me as he rubbed my back and belly at the same time.

“Rogue is going to be a 16 year old HIV infected prostitute living on the streets with a pimp named Bubba who tattooed ‘No Woman No Cry’ on her ass and Neo is going to be a 400 pound teenager addicted to ice cream because he feels unloved due to the fact he only has one testicle and man boobies and they are going to bring me to Judge Judy and sue for mental and emotional anguish and she’ll tell me I’m a bad mother and then make me pay them thousands of dollars each and we’ll have to pawn everything we have and live in a run down shanty in the middle of the woods owned by a guy named ‘Snakebite’ who eyes you just a little too much every time he comes over to collect ‘rent’ which is massive amounts of beaver skin stuffed with cocaine that we are forced to maintain for him because he’s friends with some super scary mafia people and they’ll cut out my clit with a rusty knife since we can’t keep up with their demands and Neo will start working for them to spite us and he’ll get addicted to heroine and then end up raping Rogue because he thinks we loved her more and she’ll get pregnant and our grandbaby will have flippers!” I sobbed into the carpet as Optimus stared at me, obviously processing my ramblings.

Finally he pulled me into a sitting position, wrapped his arms tightly around me and whispered into my neck, “That would never happen but if it did, we’d take the kids and Flipper on Jerry Springer and exploit them.  Then we’d sell the movie rights to our story and buy the private island we always talked about where man eating guppies and the gorillasaurus would protect us from the mafia guys and you can sunbathe nude by the waterfall while I make bombs and swing like Tarzan.”

“Is it too late to cancel this baby subscription?” I asked resting my head on his shoulder, smiling.

“We’d get charged too many fees for not honoring the full length of the contract,” he answered.  “It’s probably not worth the hassle.”

“You think we’re going to ruin these kids?”

Optimus rubbed my back, “We can lock then in the basement til they are 20.”

I laughed and he helped me stand up.  “What do you think they’ll look like when they grow up?”

“Pretty pale if we lock them in the dungeon,” we sat on the couch.  “But if we raise them the best we can and never allow them to hang out with anyone named ‘Bubba’, I’d say they’ve got a good chance of being great looking kids.  With your blue eyes and my dark hair, we’d be able to sell them for a pretty penny on the black market.”

“That’d be another way to buy the private island and I wouldn’t have someone come at my giney with a knife in that story.”

“See, everyone wins.”

“Let’s practice being naked on the island,” I slowly pushed myself off the couch and Optimus grinned, grabbing a blanket and pulling me outside.

I don’t have to tell you what happened in the heavily wooded area of our backyard… four times.